


Karafef hatefest

by Anon_H



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Anal Sex, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, F/F, F/M, Light Dom/sub, Threesome - F/F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-23
Updated: 2017-01-23
Packaged: 2018-09-19 08:02:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9428774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anon_H/pseuds/Anon_H
Summary: Seeing how stressed out Karkat is, Kanaya asks Feferi to go on a hate-date with him.Seeing how stressed out Karkat is, Dave asks Aradia to go on a hate-date with him.Hijinx, smut and humiliation ensues.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [GhostlyLion](https://archiveofourown.org/users/GhostlyLion/gifts).



\--turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]—

TG: bro   
TG: dude  
TG: buddy  
TG: bae  
TG: amigo  
TG: comrade  
TG: homie  
TG: beloved matesprit of mine  
CG: WHAT IN THE WORLD PERSUADES YOU TO SPAM MY INBOX, PRACTICALLY BEGGING ME FOR MY ATTENTION LIKE A LOVESTRUCK BARKBEAST, IF YOU DON’T HAVE THE DECENCY TO WAIT FOR A FUCKING RESPONSE!!!   
CG: I SWEAR, IT’S LIKE SCHOOLFEEDING A PARTICULARLY DENSE WRIGGLER!!!   
TG: damn that’s fast  
TG: come on man  
TG: i had like twenty more synonyms for partner ready to go  
TG: mate  
TG: chap  
TG: compadre  
CG: THIS IS BOTH SHOCKING AND NEWS TO ME.   
CG: THIS IS MY SHOCKED FACE, BECAUSE HOLY SHIT, DAVE SWALLOWED A FUCKING THESAURUS AS A WRIGGLER AND HE’S BEEN AN INSUFFERABLE PRICK EVER SINCE!!   
TG: except when im not  
CG: FINE, EXCEPT WHEN YOU ARE NOT.   
TG: which is more often than you’d like to admit  
TG: and you are like damn  
TG: dave is actually a pretty cool guy  
TG: id like to run my fingers through his hair  
TG: not even in the weird euphemism kinda way but in the legit hashtag blissed domestic life kinda way  
TG: i want to let him rip on romantic comedies starring adam sandlers extremely punchable face and only raise my voice in objection two or three times  
TG: suspiciously only during the times that he really deserves to be criticized for performing like a lobotomized mime-school dropout  
TG: its like you know he deserves to be mocked but cant accept it  
CG: SPAMMING THE CHAT BEFORE I CAN RESPOND IS NOT A CONSTRUCTIVE USE OF YOUR POWERS YOU OBTUSE PHLEGMPUPPET!!   
TG: gross  
CG: SO WHAT’S UP?   
CG: WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?   
TG: what  
TG: like i need an excuse to contact my incredibly loving and handsome matesprit  
CG: THIS ONLY SERVES TO INCREASE MY ALREADY VAST SUSPICIONS.   
TG: im a romantic guy vantas come on  
TG: poetry  
TG: monopoly  
TG: moonlight serenades  
TG: aggressive mario kart  
TG: i do it all  
TG: don’t tell me you never found the tiny notes i left you  
CG: THOSE WERE THE SIZE OF POSTAGE MARKERS!!!   
TG: i know right  
TG: you don’t even know how much effort went into making those fuckers  
TG: had to get a magnifying glass and everything  
TG: felt like some sherlock holmes level shit  
TG: or the guy who leaves all the clues for him  
TG: watson  
TG: yeah  
CG: I DISCARDED AT LEAST A DOZEN OF THEM BEFORE FIGURING THERE WAS RED TEXT ON THERE!!!   
CG: HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO READ THESE?!?!   
TG: looking very very closely  
CG: YOU ARE BEING A PAIN IN THE WASTECHUTE!!   
TG: you know  
TG: you are right  
TG: this was a lot funnier in my head  
TG: plus even in teeny tiny font you really cant fit a lot of poetic shit on there  
CG: YOU THINK?!?!   
TG: i am making it up to you  
CG: I SINCERELY DOUBT THAT  
TG: im serious  
TG: in fact im trying to get it going right now  
CG: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!!   
TG: you know how you have been more antsy than usual lately  
TG: not the sexy and/or cute kind of antsy  
TG: more the growly scratchy kind of antsy  
CG: I AM NOT ANTSY!!!   
CG: I AM NEVER ANTSY!!!   
CG: WHAT THE FUCK EVEN MAKES YOU SAY THAT?!?!   
TG: the aforementioned growling and scratching mostly  
CG: THAT IS SUCH A LOAD!!!   
CG: MAYBE *YOU* ARE THE ANTSY ONE. EVER CONSIDERED THAT?!?!   
CG: MAYBE YOU CALLING ME ANTSY IS JUST A CLEVER RUSE TO HIDE YOUR OWN FRUSTRATIONS.   
CG: DON’T THINK I’M NOT ONTO YOU!!!!   
TG: aight cool  
TG: listen to this though  
TG: ive been digging for gold up shit creek for at least 25 minutes now  
TG: by which i mean ive been visiting the lalondes  
TG: by which i mean rose and kanaya  
TG: just to clarify  
CG: OBVIOUSLY. WHAT OTHER LALONDES COULD YOU BE TALKING ABOUT?   
CG: NOW THAT LALONDE’S SISTER INSIST ON TAKING EGBERT’S NAME BECAUSE OF CONVELUTED HUMAN ROMANCE RITUAL SHIT!!!!   
TG: still feels weird  
TG: anyway  
TG: being your matesprit apparently gives me some privileges regarding your moirail and her whole role in keeping your secrets or some shit  
CG: NO IT DOESN’T!!!   
TG: yes it does  
CG: DAVE, I’M A TROLL!!! I’VE BEEN A TROLL MY WHOLE LIFE!!!!   
CG: I *THINK* I KNOW THE NUANCES OF OUR INCREDIBLY ORGANIC AND LOGICALLY COMPRISED ROMANCE SYSTEM!!!   
TG: huh  
TG: go figure  
TG: hah i just got played by kanaya  
TG: that’s awesome  
TG: gotta tell rose  
TG: she’d be so proud of her  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK DID SHE DO!?   
CG: SHE IS NORMALLY SUCH A GREAT MOIRAL, THIS MAKES NO SENSE!!   
CG: I AM GOING TO PAP THAT WOMAN SO HARD NEXT TIME I SEE HER!!!   
TG: yeah tmi bae  
CG: WHAT DID SHE TELL YOU!!!   
TG: i think it was about your last jam  
CG: WHAT DID SH—  
CG: OH.   
CG: OH FUCK NO.   
CG: DAVE, I SWEAR TO WHATEVER UNCARING DEITY LORDS OVER THIS REALM, THIS IS EXACTLY *NONE* OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!   
TG: that deity would still be me  
TG: among others  
CG: THIS IS A MOIRAIL THING BETWEEN HER AND MYSELF!!! YOU AREN’T EVEN REMOTELY INVOLVED!!   
TG: im feeling pretty involved  
CG: DAVE NO!!!   
TG: dave yes  
CG: I DO NOT NEED YOUR HELP WITH THIS!!!   
TG: who said anything about helping you  
TG: im helping kanaya maryam-lalonde  
TG: and if she just so happens to use my help to further her sinister moirail agenda like the worlds shittiest puppetmaster then i guess i am going to have to make peace with that  
CG: YOU ARE FILTH!!!   
TG: love you too babe  
CG: LOOK, I KNOW WE ALL DID AND SAID/YELLED SOME THINGS IN THE PAST BUT TEREZI ISN’T EVEN FUCKING HERE RIGHT NOW AND I AM PRETTY SURE SHE INTENDS TO SEDUCE EGBERT FOR HER BLACK QUADRANT.   
CG: AND GOOD LUCK WITH THAT, BECAUSE THAT’S A LOST CAUSE IF I EVER SEEN ONE!!   
CG: I MEAN, I’M SURE THEY’D BE GOOD FOR EACH OTHER BUT EGBERT DOESN’T EXACTLY *GET* IT, YOU KNOW? HE DOESN’T EVEN UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A MOIRAIL AND AN AUSPISTICE, LIKE A COMPLETE AND UTTER IDIOT.   
CG: ANYWAY, ME AND TEREZI ARE IN SUCH A WEIRD STATE RIGHT NOW IT WOULD TAKE NOTHING SHORT OF A CLOWN-INFUSED MIRACLE TO PUT US IN A QUADRANT, ANY QUADRANT, WHICH WOULD SURELY TURN ME INTO A BELIEVER.   
TG: alright quick spoiler  
TG: we aint pulling the pin on that grenade  
TG: like oh shit hit the deck  
TG: we’re hitting karezi again  
TG: what quadrant we talking captain  
TG: no one knows  
TG: are they at least avoiding poorly drawn shipping diagrams and schedules this time sir  
TG: we don’t know  
TG: get down he is grabbing a pencil  
CG: HAR HAR, INSERT VERY SINCERE LAUGHTER HERE. AS ALWAYS, MY PAST SELF CONTINUES TO BE AN ENDLESS SOURCE OF MOCKERY.   
TG: im just playing  
CG: I KNOW.   
TG: still gonna find you a kismesis though  
CG: IT ISN’T SERKET IS IT?!   
TG: dude chill  
TG: gotta let me talk to your potential hatemate first  
TG: maybe they aint even interested and show me the door like im a particularly awkward jehovas witness  
CG: OK, BUT IT ISN’T FUCKING SERKET IS IT?!   
TG: it aint serket  
CG: OH THANK THE GODS.   
TG: still me  
CG: I *CANNOT* IMAGINE GOING BLACK FOR THAT WOMAN.   
TG: come on doll  
TG: everyone’s a little black for the spiderbitch  
CG: I CANNOT IMAGINE GOING BLACK FOR THAT WOMAN AND SURVIVE WITH ALL MY LIMBS ATTACHED.   
TG: see  
TG: it’s the nuance that truly makes the difference  
CG: IT ISN’T ZAHHAK EITHER IS IT?!   
CG: HOLY SHIT, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, TELL ME IT ISN’T ZAHHAK!!!   
TG: babe chill  
TG: im taking this extremely serious  
TG: i will handle this like a goddamn professional

* * *

 

“Yeah, Karkat needs to get black-laid.”

Dave sat across Aradia in her modest, albeit thoroughly messy hive. She had invited him in and poured him a cup of tea. She didn’t flinch at his comment. She didn’t seem to flinch at anything post SGRUB . Instead, her semi-psychotic permasmile had been one of the constants of the new world. Dave found it a little unsettling but took comfort in his own stoic pokerface. If he was going to be uncomfortable, he wasn’t going to let an attractive black tryst for his matesprit find out about it.

“I’m sorry, what?” she finally asked.

“He needs to get black-laid.” Dave repeated, making a nonchalant gesture and trying to play it off like no big deal.“You know, he needs to do the horizontal hate-shuffle.” He continued. “Black bam-bam in the ham; moistening the pope; assaulting someone with a friendly weapon; using the telescope to explore the black hole; struggle snuggling.”  
Aradia gave him a blank stare.  
“I can continue.” Dave assured her.

“That’s alright.”

“It’s not a problem.”

“It really kinda is.” Aradia chuckled. “Do you keep notes for phrases like that or do they come naturally?”

“It’s my gift to the world.”

“How lucky Karkat must be.”

“A gift he only occasionally wishes he could mute.” Dave continued. ”Speaking of Vantas….”

Aradia grinned. ”You want me to assault him with a friendly weapon?”

“Whatever innuendo works for you trolls.” Dave sipped from his tea and allowed himself a hint of a smile. ”Think you are up for that?”

“I don’t know.” For the first time, her smile faded a little. ”I mean, he’s….. attractive in his own way I guess. But what makes you think he even hates me like that?”

“Have you met Karkat?” he quipped. ”The guy cares deeply about you guys, sure…. But he also kind of hates every one of you and wants to strangle you in your sleep.”

“I am sure the majority of our group feels the same about him.” Aradia mused, seemingly unaware of how grim that sound. ”Sounds like fun, but why are you the one pursuing this?” she tilted her head a little. ”Is it a human thing?”

“Human matesprits just love intruding on moirail duties.” Dave said matter-of-factly. “So Kanaya figured; why not exploit this and spread our chances.”

“What?”

“Not gonna lie, she’s checking out another potential hatemate.” he shrugged. “Casting a wider net, putting her eggs in multiple baskets, betting on multiple horses, whatever idiom works for you.”

“So why come to me?” she asked legitimately curious.

“Few reasons actually.” Dave mused. ”For one, Rezi, Sollux, Kanaya or the clown would be very weird about it. Tavros and that chick who thinks she’s a cat probably couldn’t handle him in a black fling and I sure as hell aint letting by bro suffer the fishstick, Vriska or Equius. I mean, come on.”

“Equius isn’t thát bad.” Aradia assured him. ”He just needs some guidance and….. discipline.”

“Not gonna question that.” He retorted. ”What you and Horse McMann did is totally none of my business. The less I know, the better.”

“Oh, I don’t mind telling.” A cruel smile played on her lips. ”Or would that make you uncomfortable?”

Dave shuddered at the thought. “Alright, second reason; that. That whole uncomfortable spiel you got going on…. That probably works great for black flirting and shit.”

“I like to think it does.” She giggled. Her wings fluttered and she floated away from her chair a little.

“See, third and final reason; you aren’t weird about this.” Dave said, slamming down the rest of his tea. “You seem really open-minded and pretty receptive to the idea, so you know. You like blackflings and are easy with stuff like this? I guess?”  
Aradia shot him a somewhat insulted look but didn’t correct him.  
“So, what do you say?”

“When is this supposed to go down?” Aradia asked. She was a little taken aback by the suddenness of it all, but it was a very entertaining thought. She had to keep herself from licking her lips at some of the ideas going through her head. Karkat wasn’t exactly her ideal mate but the thought of putting him in his place and under her was nothing short of erotic. Maybe Dave was right in calling her easy; even though she would never admit it.

“That’s the thing…” Dave got up and made a few exaggerated stretches. ”I think I’ll visit my dear sister and her wife to catch up, but they can be veeery long-winded. In fact, I think it’ll take me all damn day.” He lowered his shades and smirked knowingly. ”Whatever happens in the meantime is between my matesprit and whatever partner he ends up hateboning.”

Aradia grinned wider than she had all day.

“I can work with that.”

* * *

 

\--TurntechGodhead [TG] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA]—

TG: boom  
TG: done  
TG: call me will smith cause i just hitched the shit out of the situation  
GA: Dave  
GA: I Have Been Trying To Reach You  
TG: actually don’t call me will smith  
TG: karkat will get ideas  
TG: not like the sexy roleplay ideas just generally horrible ideas featuring his favorite overrated actor in some capacity  
TG: do i look like i wanna sit down and watch all 6 seasons of the trash prince of bel air with barely enough time for myself to take a piss again  
TG: he seems to think so  
GA: You Mean Thresh Prince  
TG: i know what i said  
TG: even worse  
TG: he may force me to sit through after earth again  
TG: can you believe he actually played a guy called cypher rage  
GA: This Coming From An Actual Strider  
TG: bro changed his name on a dare when i was in diapers  
TG: sue me  
TG: at least it doesn’t sound like a shitty self-insert  
GA: Except It Does  
GA: Also  
GA: Rose Says Hi  
TG: tell her i said hi back  
TG: regardless  
TG: you can call the fish princess off cause we have a winner  
GA: Pardon  
TG: yeah  
TG: megido’s getting ready now  
TG: she seemed pretty open to the idea  
TG: like really open  
TG: wasn’t she into whips and shit  
TG: cause if so  
TG: karkat is gonna have a bad time  
TG: which could be good  
TG: if you are into that sorta thing  
TG: it’ll be bad in a good way  
TG: because kismesissitude is entirely whack yo  
GA: I Can Not Do That  
GA: I Can Not Call Feferi Off  
TG: why not  
GA: She Left Twenty Minutes Ago  
GA: I Am Afraid You Will Have To Disappoint Aradia  
TG: yeah  
TG: ill see what i can do

As Dave turned his head he saw what appeared to be a troll with red butterfly wings disappear in a flash

TG: funny story about that  
GA: Dave  
TG: so  
TG: here is the thing  
TG: i can’t call it off either  
GA: What  
TG: she just flashed away  
TG: time powers or something equally stupid  
TG: nothing i could do  
GA: Heavens  
GA: Let Me Think  
TG: knock yourself out  
GA: This Does Not Have To Be A Bad Thing  
TG: of course not  
TG: pretty sure threesome fantasies are one of those universal constants  
GA: Aradia Will Likely Realize What Is Going On And Leave Before They Even Notice Her  
TG: i guess that can happen  
GA: Either That Or She Will Arrive Prior To Feferi  
GA: Prompting Her To Quietly Abscond Instead  
TG: again a possibility  
GA: Indeed  
GA: This Will Function Marvelously  
GA: He Will Not Even Notice We Snagged Him Not One But Two Eligible Black Candidates  
GA: Do You Think Karkat Will Notice  
GA: I Do Not Think He Will Notice

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]\--

CG: STRIIIIIIIIIIDEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!!!!!!!!!!!! 

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] was forcibly disconnected—

TG: i think he noticed  
GA: Fuck

* * *

 

“Jesus FUCK!” Karkat only barely deflected a firm left hook from Feferi, before scurrying onto his couch to claim higher ground. It didn’t stop her. She flashed a cruel smirk and pounced atop of him, knocking him to the floor and taking the couch with them.

Just a few minutes ago, Feferi Peixes had thoughtfully rang the doorbell and cheerfully invited herself in. No violence, no collateral damage, not even a snide remark at Karkat’s expense. Not even about the sorry state of his hive, because really, cleaning the place on a bi-weekly basis was asking too much. Her chipper demeanor belied her devious intentions.

“Oh my glub Karkat!” she said, feigning her regular bubbly attitude. “I had SUCH a weird talk with Kanaya just now!”

“Yeah….” He grumbled and crossed his arms, unwilling to let his guard down. ”I’ve had my fair share of those recently.”

She showed off her fangs in a wide grin, reminiscent of terrorfish from the Alternian depths. “It wasn’t a bad talk!” she rambled on, “I actually had a lot of fun!”

“Then it was nothing like the talks I’ve had.” He moaned, trying to create some distance between them. She didn’t let him. With two carefully measured steps she stood even closer against him than before. He could practically feel the cold of her skin.

“Maybe, but I learned A LOT of finteresting things!” she laughed, prodding her finger against his chest.

He was used to her getting in everyone’s personal space, but this was different. She stood regal and tall, talking down on him; one would even say condescending. Karkat saw what was happening; he wasn’t entirely clueless about black romance. She was testing the waters. She was tossing him softballs to try and get a rise out of him.

She was going easy on him.

Karkat stood up to her, practically puffing up to make himself seem bigger. He wasn’t going to let her look down on him and he certainly wasn’t going to let her take it easy.

“You are going to have to be a bit more specific.” he snarled. With a quick motion he snatched her hand away from his chest and squinted his eyes, daring her to say something about it.

For a split second her eyes narrowed but she regained her composure before Karkat registered her changing expression. Feferi casually gestured with her free hand, seemingly ignoring that he had grabbed a hold of her other.  
“She said you were being just the worst to find a shippable black partner for.” She said, a hint of a vileness in her grin.

 _”Talk about a softball”_ he thought to himself. He couldn’t let that stand; she was treating him like a wriggler. As if he was completely inept in the realms of black romance. He stepped closer and looked up at her with all the fury his shorter stature could muster.

“Then you can tell her that I’m doing just fine.” Karkat growled. He expected their conversation to be done. She should have gotten what she wanted from that exchange; a quiet acknowledgment of mutual black attraction. An implication and an idea. Something both of them would have to ponder about as it would change the entire team dynamic and what would happen in the event of a break-up? They’d need to take that into consideration.

Feferi didn’t concern herself with such things.

Where she **should** have backed off when he stepped closer, she grabbed the back of his head and dragged him into a forceful kiss. There was no restraint or subtly from her part; just a need to assert her dominance.  
Karkat took a second to understand what was going on. First he tried to squirm out of her grip, but the highblood was so much stronger than him that the only word he could articulate in between smooches was ‘unfair’.

“You’re the worst.” She purred as her hand cusped his cheek. Then she turned her back to him and danced a few paces away from him, practically inviting him to attack her.  
“The worst leader, the worst fighter and the worst troll~” she sang.

Karkat knew she was goading him, but refused to back down. He grabbed a fistful of her long hair and violently yanked her back.  
“At least I fucking step up to the plate when a leader is needed.” He hissed. With a quiet satisfaction he smashed his foot against her calves, forcing her on her knees. ”What were you even doing during SGRUB?! Aside from fending off a desperate Ampora and pretending to be into Sollux?!”

“Glub off.” Feferi sneered, climbing back up her feet the moment Karkat removed his foot. ”You don’t know me.”

“I don’t need to.” He bit back, tightening his hold on her hair. “EVERYONE has you pegged already. You just want the luxury and the fairy tale dream, but aside from your responsibilities towards that abomination you call a lusus, you haven’t fought for anything in your entire life! You’re as transparent as they come, little miss Heiress.”

“Then you really should have seen this coming!” she firmly lodged her elbow somewhere between his lungs and kidney, causing him to keel over backwards, gasping for air. With her hair released from his grip she began her assault.  
Karkat only barely deflected a firm left hook from Feferi, before scurrying onto his couch to claim higher ground. It didn’t stop her. She flashed a cruel smirk and pounced atop of him, knocking him to the floor and taking the couch with them

“You crazy bitch!” Karkat howled, caught in a very clumsy struggle on the floor, against a much stronger opponent. It took all of fifteen seconds before she straddled him with a victorious smirk.

“You’re not going to complain about that now, are you?” she tried playing the struggle off as no big deal, but her hair was disheveled and her cheeks were flushed. She grabbed the collar of his sweater and began tearing it apart, slowly revealing his chest. Karkat gnashed his teeth in frustration and grabbed one of her horns, winding up for a headbutt. He felt like she was still looking down on him and expecting the blow, but he didn’t care: he wanted to hurt her.

The hit never connected. Karkat was sure he would have bucked Feferi off right then and there to reassert his dominance, were it not for a blinding flash of red light illuminating the room. Both of them looked back in surprise to see Aradia appear with a wide smile. Though neither of them knew why she appeared, Karkat had an inexplicable feeling of dread in his stomach.

“By all means” Aradia chuckled as she floated closer, “don’t stop on my account.”

“MEGIDO WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?!” Karkat cried, frustrated, embarrassed and still flat on his back with a half-thorn sweater.

“Me?” Aradia asked, feigning surprise. “Why, I heard Karkat was desperately looking for a kismesis of course. I wanted to see if I could take advantage of that.”

The cogs in Karkat’s head began turning, trying to figure out why he was suddenly met with two gorgeous trolls who apparently hated him. When the realization of the transpired stupidity hit him, he swiftly uncaptchalogued his crabwatch and took a deep breath.

“STRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Before he could unleash a torrent of hate fueled bile however, the watch was crushed under the weight of tremendous psychic power. Karkat shot Aradia an accusing glance, but before he could yell or protest further, Feferi spoke up.

“So, you want to share?” she asked casually. “I mean, I really don’t mind.”

“Oh, that would be delightful.”

“WAIT, WHAT?!?!”

Before Karkat knew what was going on, Feferi continued ridding Karkat of his sweater, while Aradia’s warm hands found their way to his trousers and he didn’t appreciate the way they were pulling. He kicked, he tried to punch, he tried to bite, he tried everything to get out of their grasp.

“WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK DO YOU BULGE-MOLESTING IMBECILES THINK YOU ARE DOING?!?!”

At this, they stopped, much to Karkat’s surprise. He was still flat on his back, his trousers were somewhere around his ankles and his sweater was torn to his stomach but Feferi stood up and Aradia withdrew her hands.

“T-THAT’S BETTER.” He stammered unconvincingly. He really wasn’t sure as to **why** they did as he say. An invisible force pressing down on him made it very clear that Aradia didn’t want him to stand up.

With a barely audible ‘tap’ Aradia landed on the ground and sauntered towards him. He visibly swallowed nervously, looking for a way out.  
“I want you to understand something….” she purred in a voice that sent a shiver down his spine. “I think I speak for both myself and Feferi if I say we came here to have fun.” The princess nodded fervently beside her.

“But we are not animals…..” she continued. Karkat wasn’t sure when Aradia took her shoes off, but she rubbed her foot against his boxers; hard enough to be really uncomfortable but not hard enough to actually hurt.  
”If you REALLY don’t want us here-“ she continued as if she wasn’t giving him a footjob, “all you need to do is say so.”

“Oh yeah….” Feferi said with a knowing smirk. She laid down next to Karkat and ran her finger over his chest, playing with his torn sweater. “If you REELLY don’t want us here, we can chalk it up as a big mistake.”  
“We’d even get you a new sweater.” Aradia said with a voice as sweet as sugar and the grin of a predator as she continued to rub her foot against him.  
“Something nicer than this cheap fabric though.” Feferi grinned, taking any chance to jab at him.  
“Just say the word and we’ll be out of your hive.”  
“And off your bulge.”

Karkat’s mind was racing. In front of him were two attractive trolls, one of them the de facto empress no less, willing and eager to engage him in a black tryst. There were potential downsides, because of course there were, but with the blood rapidly rushing to his bulge he had difficulty formulating them. He didn’t even know he could get aroused by someone using their foot like that.

“We’re waiting.” Aradia said in a sharp voice. He didn’t have it in him to respond, instead opting to glare at her with as much anger as he could muster without opening his mouth and making a fool out of himself.

“I guess he doesn’t want us after all.” Feferi bemoaned in feigned sadness. Aradia lifted her foot from his crotch and gave him an insufferably knowing glance as he bucked his hips in an attempt to maintain contact.

“Guess so.” She said nonchalantly. Her telekinesis swiftly returned her shoes to her feet and with a few token brushes she made her hair about as presentable as it was ever going to be. “Sorry for wasting your time Karkat.”

“We’ll get you a new sweater soon!!! I promise!!!”

The girls barely had the chance to turn around before they heard the sound of someone desperately scrambling to get back on their feet. “NOW WAIT JUST A BULGEGURGLING SECOND!!!” Feferi and Aradia smiled at each other before turning around in tandem. Karkat’s cheek were flushed, his eyes wild and his sweater in rags. He took a few shallow breaths in a failing attempt to gather his thoughts.”  
“Are you serious about this?!” he finally asked, visibly embarrassed.

“Did I give you the impression that I wasn’t?” Feferi asked, tilting her head slightly. ”Or did I just hit you thát hard?”

“You know what I mean!” he shrieked, furiously pointing to the two of them. “This….. thing with you and…. You!?”

“Would you be more comfortable if I weren’t here?” Aradia purred. “Because that can be arranged. Far be it from me to deny Feferi a chance to humiliate you in private.”

“That’s not what I meant either!!” he roared in frustration. “Do you really hate me both like that?! Are we really going to….. to……?”

“Have a threesome?” Feferi chuckled. “Not if you can’t make your mind up!!!”

“BUT DO YOU HATE ME LIKE THAT?!”

“I hate you enough.” Aradia said seductively. “Honestly, seeing you this pathetic and indecisive just reminds me of what a weak troll you really are.”

“Aradia, Aradia, look!” Feferi laughed, pointing at the bulge in his boxers. ”I think he likes it when you treat him like that!”

“NO, NO, NO, NO, WAIT!!!” Karkat sputtered, before being slammed on his back again by Aradia and fervently wishing she’d at least let him use his couch.

“Because you can’t seem to make up your mind, we’re going to play a little game.” Aradia said with a sadistic glint in her eye. “The rules are childishly simple really…. Even you will be able to remember them.” Karkat’s eyes turned big as saucers when he saw Feferi help her friend undress.

“We are going to do with you as we please.” Aradia said very matter-of-factly as she tore the last strings of sweater apart to fully access his chest. With a swiping gesture of her hand she parted Karkat’s legs so she could kneel in between them. “And if you feel like the threesome part of it becomes too scary, you can say your safe word and I’ll disappear.”

“And if after that even regular blackrom becomes too real for you, you can say it again.” Feferi assured him as she got undressed.

“Alright, alright, I get it.” Karkat growled. “Just don’t think I am going to be outdone by two floozies like you!”

“Too late for that.” Feferi laughed.

“BUT!!! I have two conditions!”

“Let’s hear it.”

“First and foremost the safeword.” He said, trying to keep his cool as he glanced back and forth between his barely dressed teammates. “What is it?”

“CEPHALOPOD!” Feferi blurted out. Even Aradia looked mildly annoyed at the peculiar choice, but Karkat knew it was perfect: if they were going to act black around him, the least they could do is make him loathe them.

“Fine.” He grunted, before glancing at Aradia.”Second condition is NO psychic powers. You want proper blackrom, you have to give me a chance to fight back!”

“No offense Karkat…” Feferi said, trying very hard to contain her laughter as she walked around him. “But even without that, she is still godtier and I am still, well…. Much, much stronger than you.”

“So you could at least do me the fucking courtesy of letting me use my limbs!!!”

Aradia just shrugged. “If you insist.” With a casual wave of her hand she undid her psychic binding and gave Karkat full control of his body again. He could wriggle his fingers, move his legs, he could even get up and give the girls a fair fight.  
Before he could make an attempt however, Feferi sat down on his face. Karkat flailed his limbs wildly in a panic, but the princess made herself comfortable on top of him.

“Feferi.” Aradia said in a mock-accusing tone. “If you do that, we won’t hear him say his safeword.”

“WHOOPS!” she laughed, grinding her nook against his mouth. “Just let me get comfortable and I’ll let him go.”

Karkat was about to scream against her, pinch her thigh, spectacularly curl up to kick her in the face, do anything in his power to make it clear that he was a worthwhile kismesis. That’s when a pair of eager hands went for his boxers and his mind went blank. Aradia’s warm lips were wrapped around his cock and his face was engulfed by the scent of Feferi’s excited sex. It was a miracle he had been in control of his mental faculties as long as he had.  
“Come on!” Feferi grunted, pressing down a little harder to get him out of his stupor. “Use that big mouth of yours!”

Without missing a beat, he bit one of her lips. Not hard enough to draw blood, just hard enough to remind her that he wasn’t going to serve as a passive black fucktoy under the ass of his princess. As if waiting on this reaction, Aradia grabbed his balls tight enough to make him squirm under the girls. Maybe he wasn’t planning to remain passive, but he was at a perpetual disadvantage against the two of them. This wasn’t the right time to aggress.

So, he took his time and began eating Feferi out, her fuchsia juices coating his face. He licked her clit tirelessly, much to her enjoyment as she rocked back and forth against his tongue. Aradia was still attending to his cock but was doing so with restraint: enough to keep him feeling good and obedient but not enough to get him on edge.  
Trying to establish sóme dominance, Karkat wrapped a leg around her head and tries to force his member deeper into her mouth. It didn’t actually feel like he accomplished anything, but the fact that he could do that to one of his black partners was immensely satisfying.

Then Feferi began cheating and pressed down on him. She completely smothered his face and cut off his nose and mouth with her fat ass. He tried to squirm out from under her but was held in place by the girls.

“Continue….” She hissed, her legs trembling in pleasure. Karkat couldn’t hear her, but understood her intent. In the back of his mind he knew neither of the girls would actually fully suffocate him, but panic set in and he began licking her furiously, trying to appease her for the sake of his breathing privileges. He didn’t care about how messy it was going to be.

“That’s good Karkat.” He heard her voice ringing in his head as she lifted herself up just enough for him to take a few deep breaths. Without the stimulus of his tongue, she took to fingering herself above him, allowing him to take in her juices and marking him further with her scent.  
Before he could get in a snappy reply however, she went back down, practically forcing him to eat her out. Aradia was merely looking at the spectacle with a bemused smile while slowly moving her hand up and down his member.

“Just a bit more!!!” Feferi whimpered like a dog in heat.

“Go for it.” Aradia chuckled.

Feferi let out a long whine, as her body shook and trembled in pleasure. Her genetic material cascaded over Karkat’s face before she let herself fall down atop of him, reduced to a panting mess. He could do little but sputter indignantly as he wrestled an arm free of her weight and tried whiping his face clean.

“Had your fun?!” he growled.

“Well, it looks like your mouth is good for at least two things.” Aradia commented. With a nonchalant motion of her finger, she lifted her friend up and dropped her unceremoniously on the (still tipped over) couch. Karkat looked up at her in terror and admiration. Everyone had an idea of what Aradia was capable of, but only Equius seemed to really know and literally no one wanted to hear it from his mouth.

“You look like shit.” she said with a confident smirk.

“And you look like a bitch.” Karkat snapped back. “But I can clean myself at the respiteblock.”

“Catty.” Aradia seemed pleased with his response. She slowly crawled atop of him. No need for psychic powers to keep him down. He was completely mesmerized by her predatory look and her breasts swaying with every motion.

She extended her arm and grabbed the back of his head. Careful and slow: she wanted him to see what she was doing before she pressed her lips against his. Slow and forceful at first, still measuring him up, but gradually becoming more wild and passionate. First adding tongue, then adding teeth to the equation. Neither of them had particularly sharp fangs so neither of them felt like they needed to hold back. He bit down on her lower lip, she pulled him back by his hair in what he could only describe as a perfect black exchange.

“Tastes like shit too.” Aradia chuckled, sounding a lot more composed than she looked.

“Blame your partner in smut.” Karkat panted, having lost his composure long ago.

“I knew I should have used my teeth a bit more down there.” she said with a cruel smile as she demonstratively leaned back and cupped his balls in her hand. “You still seem to think fighting us is a legitimate strategy.”

“And you must be out of your thinkpan if you---“ Karkat’s breath hitched. Aradia was positioning his bulge against her nook. This was not a drill; this was actually happening. He didn’t even realize he was staring until her laugh broke him out of his stupor.

“Is this your first time with a kismesis?” she asked with a voice like dark chocolate. It was, as none of his black dalliances ever seemed to work out, but he wasn’t going to tell her that. He replied with an intent glare, which seemed enough of an answer for her, as she gave him the most condescending laugh he ever heard.

“What’s it to you?!” he snapped, feeling his cheeks flush.

“Not much.” Aradia smirked as she sank down on him, just enough to take his tip inside. “I just think its precious.”

“I’ll show you pre--- nggggh.” Karkat gasped and arched his back as she continued sliding down on him at an agonizingly slow pace. He wasn’t moaning, he refused to moan, he wasn’t going to let her make him moan--

“Fuuuuuck.” he moaned.

“That’s what I like to hear….” She cooed, very satisfied with his reaction. She planted her hands on his chest and leaned forward till her forehead was hovering just a breath above his. Her long hair formed a curtain around him so he couldn’t take his eyes of her, even if he wanted to.  
“How does this feel?” she asked, far too tender to be considered black.

“Y-yeah….” Karkat muttered, a little taken aback. “This feels amazing.”

With a cruel smirk she dug her nails into his chest and began dragging her hands down. Karkat gasped in surprise and grunted in pain.

”And how does this feel?” Aradia whispered huskily, clearly taking pleasure in his pain. She slowly sat back up and began moving her hips up and down in a steady tempo.

“You’re such a bitch.” Karkat groaned, trying to move his own hips to match her rhythm.

“You are such a pussy.” Aradia panted before slapping him across the face. She laughed at his reaction and slapped him again, as if daring him to fight back. An invitation he took with gusto. Karkat leaned up as much as he could without moving out of her and grabbed a fistful of hair. While she kept moving her hips, he pulled her hair back to expose her neck and sink his teeth in it. Aradia gasped in pain but used her awkward position to headbutt Karkat the moment he loosened his grip on her hair.  
He winded back in shock and dropped to his back again. She used the opportunity to lean forward again and scratch his chest again, this time going as far as to draw blood. Karkat yelped in pain but looked up at her in a defiant anger.

“Not bad for a first time.” Aradia moaned. “I expected you to cum from sheer excitement already.”

“And give you a chance to mock me?” Karkat panted, trembling beneath her. “What kind of kismesis do you take me for?” As if on que, Aradia tensed her muscles around his member, causing him to moan incomprehensibly, his eyes practically rolling back in his head.

“Don’t worry Karkat.” she said smugly. “There is enough I can mock you for.” She leaned forward again and he expected a new batch of scratch marks but was instead met with a hungry, passionate kiss. Her tongue wrestled against his to establish dominance with no clear victor. He reached up to squeeze her breasts to the point of pain, she pinched his collarbone to make him squirm.

He couldn’t hold it anymore: he was about to cum inside of her. He arched his back, readying himself to let it go, only to find an unnatural tension prevented him from actually reaching climax. As if something was blocking him from actually reaching an orgasm. He looked around in a primal frustration, until he heard a familiar chuckle.

“Ladies first.” Aradia sang with a playful glint in her eye.

“I said no psychic powers!” Karkat cried in visible discomfort.

“I could just uncaptchalogue a bulgering if you prefer.” Aradia said, licking her lips in pleasure. “This just seemed a lot more comfortable for both of us.”

“You cruel, cruel harpy!” he groaned.

“Would you have preferred a harsh metal ring around your bulge?” she asked gradually picking up the pace. “Feferi, I think we are dealing with a genuine masochist here.”

For the first time since Aradia began, Karkat looked back to see what the other girl was doing. Feferi had returned the couch to its original position and was in the process of staining it a sickening shade of fuchsia, as she played with herself. He didn’t realize he had been giving her a show this whole time.

“Just……. Please, stop talking.” He muttered.

“Will do.” Aradia placed her hands on his chest for support and began riding him like a madwoman. Karkat could only moan out in frustration, whereas she was crying in pleasure. It didn’t take much longer for her to reach a climax, violently grunting as she coated Karkat’s waist in her own shade of red. Her body shivered and remained stationary for what felt like a few minutes.

Finally she stood up, with all the dignity she could muster. Karkat immediately got back on his feet, very tired from the degrading position the girls kept using him in and ready to throw down if either of them was going to try something.

“Well….” Aradia managed to say as if she didn’t just have a great orgasm, “If nothing else, you make for an adequate black fucktoy and no one can ever take that away from you.”

“Kiss my wastechute.” Karkat bit back. “You had to use psychic powers, ergo I win.”

“Win what?”

“Being the best at black romance!”

“Karkat, I used my psychic powers to stop you from cumming before me.” Aradia said, flipping her hair over her shoulder. “Without that, I may not even reason to call you adequate.”

“That’s a load and you know it!”

“Prove it!” Feferi interjected. Karkat and Aradia both turned to her, as she positioned herself on all fours on the couch.  
“You still have some energy left, right?” she asked, wriggling her round ass for both of them. “If you can hold it in until I come, you are indeed an adequate fucktoy.”

“Barkbeast-style?” Karkat raised an eyebrow. “Should have known that deep down, you are just another perverted highblood.”

“Don’t flatter yourself.” Feferi huffed. “I’m just doing this so I don’t have to look in your ugly face as I come.”

Karkat grabbed her by her hips and got a cruel idea. Finally, he was put in a position of appropriate dominance, where **he** was able to take charge and humiliate his partner as he saw fit. He pressed his bulge against Feferi’s nook, before guiding it up until he found her asshole.  
Before she could protest, Karkat shoved half his length inside of her. Feferi gasped for air and dropped to her elbows. It hurt! It hurt a lot, but she refused to let him know it.

Aradia laughed at the scene unfolding in front of her, as Karkat pulled Feferi back by her mane.

“Remember that retarded fucking safeword of yours?” he grunted, thrusting a bit more of his length in with every motion. “Feel free to use it any time, if it’s too much for you!”

“I-I don’t know what you’re glubbing about!” Feferi whimpered, scrambling to grab one of the pillows. “I can take anything you can dish out!” She had barely finished her sentence of Karkat slammed his full length in.  
“Fuuuck!!!” she cried out. Even though she was in pain, a sick part of her began enjoying being treated like this.

“That’s right!” Karkat growled, more focused on her submission than his own pleasure. “You want to suffocate me under that fat ass of yours? Then don’t mind if I fucking claim it!!!” He demonstratively began pounding Feferi’s tight hole harder and harder, tears of pain and pleasure filling up her eyes. Karkat didn’t care. If she wasn’t using the safeword, she was fair game. He tightened his grip on her hair for support and let out a long low moan in pleasure.

“You look like you’re having fun….” Aradia’s familiar chuckle rang behind him. “I should have known you’d go for her ass.”

“Gotta show her who’s boss.” Karkat groaned. “Let her feel it!” As if driving the point home, he loudly smacked her ass twice.

“I-I’m barely feeling anything!” Feferi protested, convincing no one, but daring him to treat her rougher.

“Well, if that’s the case….” Aradia floated to her side of the couch and sat down in front of her friend, daintily guiding her head towards her nook. Wordlessly, eager even, she began licking her, all the while being rammed in her ass. Had anyone told Karkat that the two trolls lowest on the hemospectrum would be dominating the would-be-empress like this, he would have called them mad. Even in his lewdest dreams, this would be considered an impossibility.

Encouraged by the tantalizingly erotic scene unfolding in front of him, Karkat began thrusting more and more frantically. Aradia’s earlier orgasm denial already had him on edge and Feferi’s tight ass was stimulating him even further. He wouldn’t have lasted much longer, if it wasn’t for a bright red flash behind him distracting him.

A future version of Aradia had appeared behind him and began playing. Her hands ran over his chest, his back, his shoulders while she planted her mouth on his neck to mark him with a massive hickey. It infuriated Karkat that he couldn’t do much to defend himself without letting go of Feferi’s hips. He hissed in pain as she dragged her nails over the wounds her current version had just created.

“First psychic powers, now this?” Karkat moaned, slowing his thrusts a little. “Why not just wear a fucking sign to let the world know you can’t win fairly?”

“In my defense, you said nothing about temporal powers.” the present Aradia sighed contently, absent-mindedly playing with Feferi’s hair.

Feferi did not agree with Karkat slowing down and began raising the tempo herself, by slamming her hips back against him. If it was still hurting her, she didn’t show it as she eagerly fucked herself on his member. It felt absolutely sensational and Karkat could feel himself reaching his climax. Then, he lost all control.

The future Aradia began pressing a finger into his ass. He audibly yelped and grabbed tighter onto Feferi’s hips. The current Aradia was laying back with an insufferable smirk on her face as she watched her future self slowly insert her finger deeper inside of him.

“As if I needed further evidence that you are a masochist.” Karkat wasn’t even sure which Aradia said it. All he knew was that he hated it and that being stimulated on both ends was driving him wild. His thrusts became more desperate and frantic, while he could barely formulate a comprehensive syllable without revealing himself as a moaning wreck.

“I’m starting to think you like this more than you did having sex with me.” Aradia whispered in his ear.

“I-I’m sorry…” Karkat panted, desperately fighting his own encroaching orgasm. Not like this: he couldn’t allow himself to cum like this. “Does that say something about me, or about you?”

“You misunderstand.” the future Aradia assured him in a mockingly maternal tone. “I’m not angry or even disappointed. It just means I have to alchemize some thick strap-ons for myself and Feferi.”

“Oh god!!” Karkat moaned out as she pressed a second finger in.

“Now wouldn’t you like that?” she bit his ear. “Fulfilling your role as a black fucktoy.”

“I-I’m….” he needed to take a breath. He needed to compose himself. He failed. “Nooooo.” Karkat groaned, digging his nails into Feferi’s hips.

“You’ve proven yourself adequate.” Aradia whispered seductively, her fingers gently pressing against his prostate. “Now fill her up.”

It was too much.

Karkat practically collapsed on top of Feferi, coating her insides in his shameful red color and filling her up to the point of giving her a visible stomach bulge. Feferi in turn, laid flat on her stomach in a puddle of her own genetic material, panting and still moaning in the afterglow. Neither of them had the energy left to spitefully comment on the others performance, though both of them planned on doing so the moment their breath returned. Feferi weakly elbowed Karkat in an attempt to push him off of her, but only succeeded in mildly annoying him.

Present Aradia gave her alter ego a satisfied smirk and disappeared in a red flash, turning her future self into her current incarnation.

The now current Aradia stretched for a moment, before using her psychic powers to separate the two of them. They moaned weakly as Karkat’s bulge left Feferi’s ass. She uncaptchalogued a buttplug and flung it in Karkat’s lap, giving him a wink and a nudge. He responded with an embarrassed grunt and used it to plug up Feferi instead. Karkat couldn’t see it, but she smiled.

“I think that went well.” Aradia said with a bright smile. If this had in any way cost her any energy, she wasn’t showing it. “What do you think Karkat, Feferi? Can we share a quadrant?”

“You mean like a dysfunctional auspitism or---“

“This wasn’t ashen Karkat, don’t act stupid now.” Feferi giggled. “I’m okay with sharing him if you are.”

“YEAH, YOU MADE THAT CLEAR, YOU HA---“

“Quiet fuckface.”

“UURGH!!!”

“How about you, Karkat?” Aradia finally asked. “I know it’s a little unorthodox (“A LITTLE?!”), but I think both Feferi and I dislike you plenty.”  
“After all this?” Karkat chuckled, a little desperately. “It still fucking scares me—“

“Of course it d—“ Feferi said, before being interrupted by an elbow in her midriff.

“—but I’d be a fucking asshole to not at least give it a shot right?” He said, getting up with a huff. “I mean, this is the sort of thing you only see in fucking adult movies!!”

“Speak for yourself.” Aradia chuckled.

“THE LESS I HEAR ABOUT YOU AND EQUIUS THE BETTER!” Karkat shouted, raising his hands and taking a few steps back. He felt the cold floor make way for soft fabrics and looked down to find everyone’s discarded clothes. His sweater and jeans, Feferi’s dress and Aradia’s godtier hoodie.

“Why does everyone keep saying that?” Aradia asked.

“It’s just that I want to do this right.” he said. “I want to show you I properly loathe you and be hated back.”

“You took my anal virginity very forcefully.” Feferi giggled. “I think that’s a good start.”

“That was your first time?” Aradia asked in disbelief.

“Well, I played with it, but—“

“The point is this is going to take work.” Karkat said. He grabbed their clothes from the ground as the gears in his head began turning. Feferi already reached out, expecting him to toss her her dress, but he had a different idea. He tossed them straight up, uncaptchalogued his scythes and shredded them to pieces, to an audible “NOOOO” from Feferi.

“And I hope we can all work on it together.” he said, flipping them off while the shreds of clothing fell down around him.

“…..Those strap-ons I’m going to alchemize?” Aradia said, narrowing her eyes. “They just got three inches bigger.”

“Totally worth it.” He said with a smug smirk, before opening the door of his hive. “Have a fun walk back to your hive.”

Karkat looked in spiteful glee as Feferi and Aradia began their walk back home. He knew Aradia could effectively teleport through her powers and that Feferi probably had a dozen outfits captchalogued but they appreciated the gesture. They’d be plotting their next date and how to effectively enrage him in great detail on their way and he knew it. He expected it. He wanted them to.  
To him it was proof that, despite how dysfunctional this arrangement seemed, that all sides were making an effort to make it work. It proved that this weird fucking kismessitude could actually become a thing they’d all be proud off.

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]--

CG: DAVE!   
CG: YOU DON’T GET TO ARRANGE DATES FOR ME ANYMORE!   
TG: aight  
TG: that’s fair  
TG: how bad was it  
TG: or good   
TG: if you are into that kinda thing

_\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] is now typing--_

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, I'll make this prompt a short PWP story. Maybe 4000 words..... Alright, lets add sóme plot and make it 5000.... Needs some more characterization, so 6000...... Wait, where am I going with this? WHY ARE WE AT 8500+?!?!
> 
> Anyway, Karkat is a powerbottom, Feferi is a switch and Aradia is a complete dom. Their threesomes are a lot of fun, even if they disgust everyone around them.
> 
> I took this prompt from tumblr user goldhearted-lyon to keep writing while working on my thesis. Now I complete it a week AFTER handing in my thesis, so mission failed? I guess? Still had fun working on it, though writing porn is always just a little harder than you think it is (penis joke).


End file.
